Clean Focus

July 7, 2009

The most powerful ability a human being possesses is the ability to focus on one thing for an extended period of time.

Unfortunately, we live in the age of multitasking and distraction.

I think you all know what multitasking is.  You probably know how horrible it is.  If not, read this article.

We’re going to focus here on eliminating distraction.

To have clean focus, you can’t have anything else taking away your attention from what you are working on.  Some of these can include…

– External things like TV, email, Facebook, friends in the room, construction outside, etc.
– Internal things like internal butterflies, thoughts, emotions, etc.

Now, I think it is a silly goal to eliminate all of these things at all times.

That said, you need to be aware of when these things come up and determine whether or not they are seriously holding you back.

The more important the project, the more disciplined you need to be in keeping those distractions out.  Here are some ways to do this:

1.  Manipulate or change your working environment.  Remember, the place you work should ideally be both inspiring and free of distraction.

2.  Physically center yourself by taking three deep breaths (Deep breaths go all the way down to the stomach).  While breathing, simultaneously feel the breath going through your nose, filling your stomach and notice your peripheral vision.

3.  Mentally  center yourself by accepting everything exactly as it is, detatching from the past and future, and release your identification with your identity.

4.  Emotionally center yourself by visualizing that tension, anxiety and pressure exits your body as you exhale.  Imagine opening your chest and heart.

These may seem a little wierd, but give them a try.  If they work, keep doing them.  If they don’t, discard.


The Two Ways Of Winning

July 4, 2009

There are two ways people typically look at winning:

1.  Winning to beat someone else

2.  Winning to succeed in reaching a goal or in getting what you want.

Unless you have been living in a cave your whole life, you are probably aware of how sports work.  One team/person takes on another team/person, they compete and then there is a winner.

The goal for both teams/individuals is to beat the other one.

Unfortunately, this definition of “winning” is transferred to contexts outside of sports.

For example, the motivation for some people to get good grades is to “beat” their peers.  This gives them a nice fix of superiority that serves the same function as a blunt to a pothead.

Competition is fine on a mediocre level.  But once you start doing things like trying to fuck someone else’s girlfriend, comparing what you have with someone else, or be better than someone else, you lose a part of your identity.

In fact, you completely lose your ability to be individualized because you are dependent on how others perform and react to you for your fulfillment in life.

Even worse, that mindset will stunt your progress towards getting what you want.

Your mentality at all times should be “ok, how do I get to what I want for myself while helping lift other people up?”

That is when good things begin to happen.


Introducing Clean Focus And Clean Cuts

July 2, 2009

Let me give you a brief introduction to two things that I will be writing a lot more about in the future: clean focus and clean cuts.

Clean Focus: When you are doing something without any internal or external distraction.

Clean Cuts: When you switch your focus to something else, you do not allow what you were focused on before to carry over.

We already know that the ability to focus on one thing is the most powerful tool at our disposal.  We also know that distraction of any kind will kill your focus and make you both unproductive and emotionally unstable.

In every area of our lives, the ideal we should all be striving for is having clean focus and clean cuts.

A lot of people allow the problems in one area of their life to carry over the other areas of their life.  For example, someone might have relationship problems and then allow it to affect their focus in lecture the next day.  If they would just make a clean cut, accept that their problem is what it is and that they’ll deal with it when appropriate, then this will not happen.

Of course, this is much easier said than done.  Both your focus and your ability to transfer focus from one thing to another are like muscles that will get stronger the more you train them.

But just by being aware that having clean focus and making clean cuts is what you should be striving for, you will naturally move towards that (Reticular Activation System, a subject of another post).

For now, just start observing when distractions contaminate your focus.  Those moments will expose things that you need to take care of.

More on this later.


The Internal Butterfly Effect

June 30, 2009

This is another concept I learned from Eben Pagan.

Have you ever been working on an assignment when suddenly a thought popped up, which led to another, and another, and another until 20 minutes have passed and nothing had been accomplished?

You might ask yourself, “WTF happened?”

In science, there is something called chaos theory.  It is the idea that very small events can eventually cause very large events.

The classic example is the “butterfly effect.”  The theory is that a butterfly flapping its wings in, say, Mexico can alter the atmosphere just enough to eventually cause a Tornado in, say, Nebraska.

Well, we all have both internal and external butterflies of our own.  Once you are aware of them, you can “catch” these thoughts before they cause you problems.

Usually, internal butterflies stem take the form of certain thoughts.  For example, perhaps the thought of a cute girl in your Spanish class leads to you trying to figure out how you can talk to her, then imagining the two of you at a party together playing beer pong, then thinking about your previous girlfriend who you did special things with, etc.

Needless to say, you aint focused on the task at hand.

Next time you work on something, observe what thoughts trigger a chain of events that leads to distraction from what you are doing.  In the future, cut the thought loop off at the beginning when it is still a butterfly before it turns into a tornado.


How To Rock Relationships: Part 1

June 29, 2009

Part 1:  A Dramatic Shift In Your Mindset

A serious block for a lot of people are preconceived opinions on relationships.

To use myself as an example, I thought relationship blew.  My parents and relatives all had passionless marriages full of drama and general misery, while my friends in relationships seemed needy and whipped.

Of course, statistics seemed to support my view.  About 50% of marriages in the United States outright fail in divorce while the vast majority of those that survive suck.

Science seemed to as well.  After reading books like the Red Queen and Sperm Wars, I felt that humans were by definition promiscuous and that long term relationships were unnatural.

Combine this with the fact that I threw myself in an online community that worships players, even the thought of a relationship became chode.

What I didn’t realize is this one critical point: you are not our biology.

Think about that for a second.  You are not your biology.

For whatever reason, every one of us is fully capable of acting independent of our instincts.  If we see a guy talking to a girl we like, we do not have to act on the sudden feeling of jelousy that surges through our body or thoughts of “I am going to kill him.”

When we are about to approach a woman, the anxiety that we feel and the logical excuses that pop into our heads does not have to stop us from making the approach.

You are not your biology.

Your biology causes you to instinctively pursue instant gratification through short term thinking.  There are a million and one evolutionary reasons for this.

The reality is that a happy, successful and fulfilling life is the product of long term thinking.

To be in a successful relationship, you MUST be in a long term thinking mindset.

We will talk a lot about that later on.

Anyways, the reason why a lot of relationships suck is that a lot of people are slaves to their biology.  It is the same reason why the obesity rate is so high, why people smoke, why gym membership is so low, why so many people don’t use condoms, and why the United States government has racked up a debt of over 11 trillion dollars.

Long term relationships are long term things.  The benefits that make them superior to sleeping around with a bunch of girls accumulate over time and as a result of doing the right things consistently.

Some of these benefits include…

– Incredible and constantly improving sex
– A partner who knows your purpose and helps you actualize it
– Quasi-spiritual experiences
– Self-actualization
– You become a better man

Some short term thinking that make a lot of relationships hell…

– This girl is different than other girls, and I need her to feel good
– She’s acting crazy again.  I need to get away
– Why can’t she be reasonable?
– I’m in a relationship now, so I can stop taking care of my body
– Hey friends, check out my hot girlfriend!
– My relationship is the most important part of my life
– She slept with another guy.  What a whore.  I am a victim.

What you should take away from this: you are not your biology.  As a result, you do not have to act on your short-term instincts which sabotage a lot of relationships.

Part 2:  What Do You Want In a Woman and a Relationship, Round 1

Why do you want a woman in your life?

You have probably answered this question before.

Your answer might be “blond hair, nice tits.”

Or perhaps it is, “has a fun personality, a sense of humor, smart, witty, takes care of herself, etc.”

Both are fine, and one is not necessarily better than the other.

Now, below is a picture of what is commonly agreed upon to be a “perfect 10” woman.

What if someone suggested that the following woman could be a “10?”

Keep your thoughts on this in the back of your mind.  We shall return to these two girls at the end of the post.

A lot of guys in relationships are more attracted to the idea of having a girlfriend as opposed to actually being attracted to the girl herself.

These guys have the mindset of “hey, I’ll have a girlfriend.  We’ll cherish, have lots of great sex, I’ll be able to show her off to my friends and I won’t feel lonely anymore.”

Reflect on whether you are more attracted to the idea of a relationship more than the girl herself.  It says a lot about you.

Part 3:  Being On Your Purpose

The concept of “be on your purpose” is something I had read a lot about but didn’t really get.  To me, it sounded kind of airy fairy.

When you understand what it means to be on your purpose and then actually live by it, your life will be changed and your relationships will dramatically improve.

Being on your purpose means that you live your life in the context of becoming a man who can make a vision a reality.

All you need to do is answer three questions:

1.  How do you envision the world could be a better place?

2.  What specific, measurable and realistic thing can you do to bring about that change?

3.  What needs to happen for that thing to happen automatically?

As simple and straightforward as these questions seem, they require a lot of soul searching and time to be answered.  Once they are answered and you make the commitment to become that person, then you are on your purpose.

Say you walk to the foot of a mountain.  As you arch your head back to look at the top of the mountain, you think about how cool the view would be from up there.

You have a vision: being at the top of that mountain.

What specific, measurable and realistic thing can you do to get to the top of that mountain?  Climb the mountain, and keep pushing on until you get there.

What needs to happen for that to occur automatically?  Perhaps you need to do some research into climbing mountains.  Perhaps you need to work out.  Perhaps you need to gather supplies.  Perhaps you need to get an accountability partner so that you can’t chicken out.

When this vision becomes the context of your life, and you dedicate yourself to doing the things required to make that vision a reality, you are on your purpose.

The question you are constantly asking yourself is “how does this help me with my purpose?”

“But Andy!” you might protest, “I like to go out and get shitfaced on Friday nights.  I don’t want to give that up!”

When you are giving your life everything you’ve got, you need substantial times to renew yourself.  The best way to renew yourself is to do things you enjoy, and if getting shitfaced is something you enjoy then you can and should keep doing it unless it is distracting you or is a means of escape.

In fact, you will feel less guilty about doing that stuff when you know it fits into this larger context.

Now that we have got that out of the way, let’s bring this back to relationships.

Women are wired to want to “support their man.”  If you are on your purpose, she can feel that.  On a deep level, she craves to be  with a man like that.

When she tests you, it is to see whether or not her feminine charms can throw you off your purpose.  If they can, you are a weak man.  I’ll talk more about this in part 2 when I discuss masculine and feminine polarity

It comes down to her need for direction that is rooted in polarity, a topic in part 2.

If you feel lost, have a hard time getting up in the morning and are living your life in reaction, you probably do not have a strong sense of purpose.  Find it ASAP.

Here is the evolution of my purpose over the past nine months from actual entries I wrote in my journal.  It should be a useful example for you.

– Draft 1 (October 2008):  I want to be the best high school teacher ever

– Draft 2 (January 2009):  I want to be an amazing high school teacher who makes a positive influence on his student’s lives

– Draft 3 (February 2009):  I think high school is a profound waste of time for the vast majority of students.  This is because the focus of most high schools is for students to learn a bunch of knowledge that they will never use, train them to conform to a certain way of doing things, and prepare them to find jobs.  In the 21st century, this is a failed model.  I want to spearhead a movement that shifts the focus of high school education towards using the subject matter as a means to develop things like creativity, problem solving, communication skills, time and energy management, independent thought, a positive self-image, a sense of purpose, and social calibration that will lead to happy, fulfilling and successful lives.

– Draft 4 (June 2009):  I envision a world where more high school graduates are equipped with the skills that will allow them to be successful, fulfilled and happy in today’s world.  I will be a high school teacher who will help my students become aware of and develop these skills through the context of my class.  In addition, I will seek out and work with the social outcasts and help as many of them as possible have at least one person in their life who cares about them and have a girl/guy they are dating.  As a result, fewer people will graduate high school feeling bitter, trapped and lonely.

This is still a work in progress, but notice how it has gotten progressively less “preachy” and more “visionary.”  Also notice how there is a greater and greater focus on contribution.

As for what needs to happen for that to happen automatically, I need to get the necessary credentials to become a high school teacher, I need to become a master at public speaking and general communication, I need to get a better handle on social dynamics, and I need to be a living example of someone who is happy, successful and fulfilled.

Every day I wake up and make progress towards those things.

Part 4:  What We Want- Revisited

So why do we want a woman in our lives?

When we are at the surface level, it is for the reasons discussed in part 2.   Things like beauty, fun, sense of humor, witty, independent, etc.

But let’s take the mindset of a man on his purpose.  Why does he want a woman?

An amazing woman helps you become the man you need to be in order to accomplish your vision.

A “perfect 10” woman is not by definition physically beautiful.  A “perfect 10” woman is someone who gets what it means to be feminine.  She gets what it means to support her man.

A perfect 10 woman does not by definition cook for you, do your laundry, make the bed, etc.  What the perfect 10 woman does by definition is call you out when you are not living up to your purpose.  When you don’t go to the gym in the morning because you woke up a little late, or when you go out to get shitfaced not because you enjoy doing it but because you are trying to act cool or distract yourself, or when you are watching TV not to recharge your batteries but to escape your problems, the perfect 10 woman will be there to give you a nice kick in the ass.

So what is the most important quality of a woman?  Her ability to sense when you are wussing out and her ability to support and nurture you while you’re on your purpose.  The surface level stuff becomes the spices on a steak, not the steak itself.

For example, instead of looks being 80% of what attracts you to a woman, in the new paragram they are 30% of what attracts you to a woman.

That said, this woman can indeed be considered a 10, depending on how well she has developed herself.

Instead of going out when single with the intention of “picking up chicks,” this man is looking for this type of woman.  While some of the actions taken might be the same, the mindset is very different.

Why is this mindset better?

I was personally  resistant to changing my old mindset to this for quite some time because the old one was giving me results.

Then I bit the bullet made the shift.  Boy am I glad I did.

The reason I have found this mindset to be better is that it opens up the door to “depth.”  This goes beyond sex, although it’s an example I use a lot.  If you know what you’re doing, the sex in a relationship is much, much, much, much, much, much better than what you can possibly get out of casual flings.  The key word is depth.

I will be talking about this depth in the upcoming parts.  For now, think about what you have read here, take out what you find useful and implement that stuff immediately.


Coming Soon: How To Rock Relationships

June 26, 2009

For a long time now, I have been fascinated by relationships.  Even before I got into my first relationship, I read lots and lots of material on them.

It was very keyboard-jockeyish.

I have until now been hesitant to write about the stuff I have learned on relationships because I wanted to actually try out the stuff to sort out the abstract from the useful.

But now I am going to be dumping all the good stuff on you guys…

In 6 parts.

Yes, that’s 6 monster posts.

While the motivation is selfish, I believe that they will dramatically improve your relationships with girls.  If you are not at the point yet where you are open for a relationship, these posts might change your mind.  At the very least, they will be available down the line when you do decide to get into a relationship.

Why 6 posts?

In a model that I find useful when thinking about relationships, there are three “pillars” to an amazing relationship.

1.  Being an attractive man
2.  Pushing the envelope sexually
3.  Growing together

Each one of these will get two posts.  The first one will cover the surface level stuff, while the second one will cover the deeper levels, and boy is there depth to them.

Here are some things to expect…

Post 1: Shifting some mindsets, shifting your priorities, the meaning of being on your purpose, being what she craves, a woman’s role in your life

Post 2:  Generating masculine polarity, handling bad emotions like jealousy and anger, being “present” with her

Post 3:  How to be a stud in bed, how to give oral sex, how to give her multiple vaginal orgasms, the 4 pillars (dominance, emotion, variety, immersion), how to bring out her bisexual side, how to smoothly advance to anal and deepthroatring, fantasies

Post 4:  Tantric sex, “fucking” vs “making love” vs “ravishing,” “finding God through sex,” the male multiple orgasm, the role of ejaculation, how to have multiple-hour-long sessions

Post 5:  Self-actualizing and her role in that, developing a stronger self image, leading her forward without pushing her away, establishing boundaries

Post 6:  Finding yourself with her, unifying your souls, exposing your shadow

It is going to be sick.


How To Make Friends If You Have None

June 19, 2009

Alright, so you have no friends and you want some.  How do you go about getting them?

The good news is that you do not have to be some kind of conversational wizard.  

All you have to do is be friendly and proactive.

People in general are attracted to whatever provides them with good emotions.  This is why even the most socially awkward, nerdy people have friends.

How do you give people good emotions?  By not trying to make a certain impression on the other person.  

What does this mean?  Be authentic.

A lot of people do not interact with others authentically.  They are constantly trying to impress or manipulate how the other person thinks of them.

DROP THAT.

By default, if you are expressing yourself as opposed to trying to impress another person, you are a source of good emotions.  This is because humans are wired to enjoy authentic conversation with other humans.

When you are trying to impress other people, you are by definition trying to get a certain reaction from them.  This is value taking to the extreme, and they can feel it.  

Think about a beggar who approaches you on the street.  How do you feel when he starts talking to you?  Usually pretty defensive.  Why?  Because you know he wants something from you.

So when you meet someone new, expect nothing.  This is incredibly important.  When you expect nothing, and just let go of any outcome, you will be communicating all the right things.  At that point, even boring conversation will work.

Being proactive means taking the initiative in the friendship.  The key ingredient to a friendship is time spent doing things together, so take the lead and arrange things with other people.  

In college, the easiest things to invite people to are parties.  As I talked about in another article, the path of least resistance is to be able to provide hot girls, booze or a place to party.

That said, those are a few options among many.  Off the top of my head, you can invite people to…

– Swing by and play video games
– Check out a part of campus
– Study
– Play pool
– Attend a sporting event
– Go ice skating
– Go to the mall
– Window shop
– Get a coffee
– Go to the park
– Walk your dog
– Go out to eat
– Meet up for a meal (Money if you’re in the dorms)
– Go to an event
– Go to the bar
– Go dancing
– Bowling
– Watch TV at your place
– Go do some shots
– Pick up girls/guys
– Pull some prank
– Play catch
– Play frisbee
– Go to the gym

And that’s just off the top of my head.  There are thousands of other things you can do.

Being proactive also extends to meeting people in the first place.  Start up conversations with people in class, have a pleasant conversation and simply say “yo, we should hang out some time.”  Boom, you have a new acquaintance.  Call him/her up and suggest doing something.  Do this a few times, and you’re friends with the person.

And yes, always assume that people are lazy.  Be the one making the calls.  be the one making the arrangements.  Go introduce people to one another and help them keep up an initial conversation.

And have no expectations from your friends.  If they flake on you, it isn’t a big deal.  If they keep blowing you off, it doesn’t necessarily mean they hate you.

Because remember, humans are, well, human.