Part 1: A Dramatic Shift In Your Mindset
A serious block for a lot of people are preconceived opinions on relationships.
To use myself as an example, I thought relationship blew. My parents and relatives all had passionless marriages full of drama and general misery, while my friends in relationships seemed needy and whipped.
Of course, statistics seemed to support my view. About 50% of marriages in the United States outright fail in divorce while the vast majority of those that survive suck.
Science seemed to as well. After reading books like the Red Queen and Sperm Wars, I felt that humans were by definition promiscuous and that long term relationships were unnatural.
Combine this with the fact that I threw myself in an online community that worships players, even the thought of a relationship became chode.
What I didn’t realize is this one critical point: you are not our biology.
Think about that for a second. You are not your biology.
For whatever reason, every one of us is fully capable of acting independent of our instincts. If we see a guy talking to a girl we like, we do not have to act on the sudden feeling of jelousy that surges through our body or thoughts of “I am going to kill him.”
When we are about to approach a woman, the anxiety that we feel and the logical excuses that pop into our heads does not have to stop us from making the approach.
You are not your biology.
Your biology causes you to instinctively pursue instant gratification through short term thinking. There are a million and one evolutionary reasons for this.
The reality is that a happy, successful and fulfilling life is the product of long term thinking.
To be in a successful relationship, you MUST be in a long term thinking mindset.
We will talk a lot about that later on.
Anyways, the reason why a lot of relationships suck is that a lot of people are slaves to their biology. It is the same reason why the obesity rate is so high, why people smoke, why gym membership is so low, why so many people don’t use condoms, and why the United States government has racked up a debt of over 11 trillion dollars.
Long term relationships are long term things. The benefits that make them superior to sleeping around with a bunch of girls accumulate over time and as a result of doing the right things consistently.
Some of these benefits include…
– Incredible and constantly improving sex
– A partner who knows your purpose and helps you actualize it
– Quasi-spiritual experiences
– You become a better man
Some short term thinking that make a lot of relationships hell…
– This girl is different than other girls, and I need her to feel good
– She’s acting crazy again. I need to get away
– Why can’t she be reasonable?
– I’m in a relationship now, so I can stop taking care of my body
– Hey friends, check out my hot girlfriend!
– My relationship is the most important part of my life
– She slept with another guy. What a whore. I am a victim.
What you should take away from this: you are not your biology. As a result, you do not have to act on your short-term instincts which sabotage a lot of relationships.
Part 2: What Do You Want In a Woman and a Relationship, Round 1
Why do you want a woman in your life?
You have probably answered this question before.
Your answer might be “blond hair, nice tits.”
Or perhaps it is, “has a fun personality, a sense of humor, smart, witty, takes care of herself, etc.”
Both are fine, and one is not necessarily better than the other.
Now, below is a picture of what is commonly agreed upon to be a “perfect 10” woman.
What if someone suggested that the following woman could be a “10?”
Keep your thoughts on this in the back of your mind. We shall return to these two girls at the end of the post.
A lot of guys in relationships are more attracted to the idea of having a girlfriend as opposed to actually being attracted to the girl herself.
These guys have the mindset of “hey, I’ll have a girlfriend. We’ll cherish, have lots of great sex, I’ll be able to show her off to my friends and I won’t feel lonely anymore.”
Reflect on whether you are more attracted to the idea of a relationship more than the girl herself. It says a lot about you.
Part 3: Being On Your Purpose
The concept of “be on your purpose” is something I had read a lot about but didn’t really get. To me, it sounded kind of airy fairy.
When you understand what it means to be on your purpose and then actually live by it, your life will be changed and your relationships will dramatically improve.
Being on your purpose means that you live your life in the context of becoming a man who can make a vision a reality.
All you need to do is answer three questions:
1. How do you envision the world could be a better place?
2. What specific, measurable and realistic thing can you do to bring about that change?
3. What needs to happen for that thing to happen automatically?
As simple and straightforward as these questions seem, they require a lot of soul searching and time to be answered. Once they are answered and you make the commitment to become that person, then you are on your purpose.
Say you walk to the foot of a mountain. As you arch your head back to look at the top of the mountain, you think about how cool the view would be from up there.
You have a vision: being at the top of that mountain.
What specific, measurable and realistic thing can you do to get to the top of that mountain? Climb the mountain, and keep pushing on until you get there.
What needs to happen for that to occur automatically? Perhaps you need to do some research into climbing mountains. Perhaps you need to work out. Perhaps you need to gather supplies. Perhaps you need to get an accountability partner so that you can’t chicken out.
When this vision becomes the context of your life, and you dedicate yourself to doing the things required to make that vision a reality, you are on your purpose.
The question you are constantly asking yourself is “how does this help me with my purpose?”
“But Andy!” you might protest, “I like to go out and get shitfaced on Friday nights. I don’t want to give that up!”
When you are giving your life everything you’ve got, you need substantial times to renew yourself. The best way to renew yourself is to do things you enjoy, and if getting shitfaced is something you enjoy then you can and should keep doing it unless it is distracting you or is a means of escape.
In fact, you will feel less guilty about doing that stuff when you know it fits into this larger context.
Now that we have got that out of the way, let’s bring this back to relationships.
Women are wired to want to “support their man.” If you are on your purpose, she can feel that. On a deep level, she craves to be with a man like that.
When she tests you, it is to see whether or not her feminine charms can throw you off your purpose. If they can, you are a weak man. I’ll talk more about this in part 2 when I discuss masculine and feminine polarity
It comes down to her need for direction that is rooted in polarity, a topic in part 2.
If you feel lost, have a hard time getting up in the morning and are living your life in reaction, you probably do not have a strong sense of purpose. Find it ASAP.
Here is the evolution of my purpose over the past nine months from actual entries I wrote in my journal. It should be a useful example for you.
– Draft 1 (October 2008): I want to be the best high school teacher ever
– Draft 2 (January 2009): I want to be an amazing high school teacher who makes a positive influence on his student’s lives
– Draft 3 (February 2009): I think high school is a profound waste of time for the vast majority of students. This is because the focus of most high schools is for students to learn a bunch of knowledge that they will never use, train them to conform to a certain way of doing things, and prepare them to find jobs. In the 21st century, this is a failed model. I want to spearhead a movement that shifts the focus of high school education towards using the subject matter as a means to develop things like creativity, problem solving, communication skills, time and energy management, independent thought, a positive self-image, a sense of purpose, and social calibration that will lead to happy, fulfilling and successful lives.
– Draft 4 (June 2009): I envision a world where more high school graduates are equipped with the skills that will allow them to be successful, fulfilled and happy in today’s world. I will be a high school teacher who will help my students become aware of and develop these skills through the context of my class. In addition, I will seek out and work with the social outcasts and help as many of them as possible have at least one person in their life who cares about them and have a girl/guy they are dating. As a result, fewer people will graduate high school feeling bitter, trapped and lonely.
This is still a work in progress, but notice how it has gotten progressively less “preachy” and more “visionary.” Also notice how there is a greater and greater focus on contribution.
As for what needs to happen for that to happen automatically, I need to get the necessary credentials to become a high school teacher, I need to become a master at public speaking and general communication, I need to get a better handle on social dynamics, and I need to be a living example of someone who is happy, successful and fulfilled.
Every day I wake up and make progress towards those things.
Part 4: What We Want- Revisited
So why do we want a woman in our lives?
When we are at the surface level, it is for the reasons discussed in part 2. Things like beauty, fun, sense of humor, witty, independent, etc.
But let’s take the mindset of a man on his purpose. Why does he want a woman?
An amazing woman helps you become the man you need to be in order to accomplish your vision.
A “perfect 10” woman is not by definition physically beautiful. A “perfect 10” woman is someone who gets what it means to be feminine. She gets what it means to support her man.
A perfect 10 woman does not by definition cook for you, do your laundry, make the bed, etc. What the perfect 10 woman does by definition is call you out when you are not living up to your purpose. When you don’t go to the gym in the morning because you woke up a little late, or when you go out to get shitfaced not because you enjoy doing it but because you are trying to act cool or distract yourself, or when you are watching TV not to recharge your batteries but to escape your problems, the perfect 10 woman will be there to give you a nice kick in the ass.
So what is the most important quality of a woman? Her ability to sense when you are wussing out and her ability to support and nurture you while you’re on your purpose. The surface level stuff becomes the spices on a steak, not the steak itself.
For example, instead of looks being 80% of what attracts you to a woman, in the new paragram they are 30% of what attracts you to a woman.
That said, this woman can indeed be considered a 10, depending on how well she has developed herself.
Instead of going out when single with the intention of “picking up chicks,” this man is looking for this type of woman. While some of the actions taken might be the same, the mindset is very different.
Why is this mindset better?
I was personally resistant to changing my old mindset to this for quite some time because the old one was giving me results.
Then I bit the bullet made the shift. Boy am I glad I did.
The reason I have found this mindset to be better is that it opens up the door to “depth.” This goes beyond sex, although it’s an example I use a lot. If you know what you’re doing, the sex in a relationship is much, much, much, much, much, much better than what you can possibly get out of casual flings. The key word is depth.
I will be talking about this depth in the upcoming parts. For now, think about what you have read here, take out what you find useful and implement that stuff immediately.