The Internal Butterfly Effect

June 30, 2009

This is another concept I learned from Eben Pagan.

Have you ever been working on an assignment when suddenly a thought popped up, which led to another, and another, and another until 20 minutes have passed and nothing had been accomplished?

You might ask yourself, “WTF happened?”

In science, there is something called chaos theory.  It is the idea that very small events can eventually cause very large events.

The classic example is the “butterfly effect.”  The theory is that a butterfly flapping its wings in, say, Mexico can alter the atmosphere just enough to eventually cause a Tornado in, say, Nebraska.

Well, we all have both internal and external butterflies of our own.  Once you are aware of them, you can “catch” these thoughts before they cause you problems.

Usually, internal butterflies stem take the form of certain thoughts.  For example, perhaps the thought of a cute girl in your Spanish class leads to you trying to figure out how you can talk to her, then imagining the two of you at a party together playing beer pong, then thinking about your previous girlfriend who you did special things with, etc.

Needless to say, you aint focused on the task at hand.

Next time you work on something, observe what thoughts trigger a chain of events that leads to distraction from what you are doing.  In the future, cut the thought loop off at the beginning when it is still a butterfly before it turns into a tornado.


How To Rock Relationships: Part 1

June 29, 2009

Part 1:  A Dramatic Shift In Your Mindset

A serious block for a lot of people are preconceived opinions on relationships.

To use myself as an example, I thought relationship blew.  My parents and relatives all had passionless marriages full of drama and general misery, while my friends in relationships seemed needy and whipped.

Of course, statistics seemed to support my view.  About 50% of marriages in the United States outright fail in divorce while the vast majority of those that survive suck.

Science seemed to as well.  After reading books like the Red Queen and Sperm Wars, I felt that humans were by definition promiscuous and that long term relationships were unnatural.

Combine this with the fact that I threw myself in an online community that worships players, even the thought of a relationship became chode.

What I didn’t realize is this one critical point: you are not our biology.

Think about that for a second.  You are not your biology.

For whatever reason, every one of us is fully capable of acting independent of our instincts.  If we see a guy talking to a girl we like, we do not have to act on the sudden feeling of jelousy that surges through our body or thoughts of “I am going to kill him.”

When we are about to approach a woman, the anxiety that we feel and the logical excuses that pop into our heads does not have to stop us from making the approach.

You are not your biology.

Your biology causes you to instinctively pursue instant gratification through short term thinking.  There are a million and one evolutionary reasons for this.

The reality is that a happy, successful and fulfilling life is the product of long term thinking.

To be in a successful relationship, you MUST be in a long term thinking mindset.

We will talk a lot about that later on.

Anyways, the reason why a lot of relationships suck is that a lot of people are slaves to their biology.  It is the same reason why the obesity rate is so high, why people smoke, why gym membership is so low, why so many people don’t use condoms, and why the United States government has racked up a debt of over 11 trillion dollars.

Long term relationships are long term things.  The benefits that make them superior to sleeping around with a bunch of girls accumulate over time and as a result of doing the right things consistently.

Some of these benefits include…

– Incredible and constantly improving sex
– A partner who knows your purpose and helps you actualize it
– Quasi-spiritual experiences
– Self-actualization
– You become a better man

Some short term thinking that make a lot of relationships hell…

– This girl is different than other girls, and I need her to feel good
– She’s acting crazy again.  I need to get away
– Why can’t she be reasonable?
– I’m in a relationship now, so I can stop taking care of my body
– Hey friends, check out my hot girlfriend!
– My relationship is the most important part of my life
– She slept with another guy.  What a whore.  I am a victim.

What you should take away from this: you are not your biology.  As a result, you do not have to act on your short-term instincts which sabotage a lot of relationships.

Part 2:  What Do You Want In a Woman and a Relationship, Round 1

Why do you want a woman in your life?

You have probably answered this question before.

Your answer might be “blond hair, nice tits.”

Or perhaps it is, “has a fun personality, a sense of humor, smart, witty, takes care of herself, etc.”

Both are fine, and one is not necessarily better than the other.

Now, below is a picture of what is commonly agreed upon to be a “perfect 10” woman.

What if someone suggested that the following woman could be a “10?”

Keep your thoughts on this in the back of your mind.  We shall return to these two girls at the end of the post.

A lot of guys in relationships are more attracted to the idea of having a girlfriend as opposed to actually being attracted to the girl herself.

These guys have the mindset of “hey, I’ll have a girlfriend.  We’ll cherish, have lots of great sex, I’ll be able to show her off to my friends and I won’t feel lonely anymore.”

Reflect on whether you are more attracted to the idea of a relationship more than the girl herself.  It says a lot about you.

Part 3:  Being On Your Purpose

The concept of “be on your purpose” is something I had read a lot about but didn’t really get.  To me, it sounded kind of airy fairy.

When you understand what it means to be on your purpose and then actually live by it, your life will be changed and your relationships will dramatically improve.

Being on your purpose means that you live your life in the context of becoming a man who can make a vision a reality.

All you need to do is answer three questions:

1.  How do you envision the world could be a better place?

2.  What specific, measurable and realistic thing can you do to bring about that change?

3.  What needs to happen for that thing to happen automatically?

As simple and straightforward as these questions seem, they require a lot of soul searching and time to be answered.  Once they are answered and you make the commitment to become that person, then you are on your purpose.

Say you walk to the foot of a mountain.  As you arch your head back to look at the top of the mountain, you think about how cool the view would be from up there.

You have a vision: being at the top of that mountain.

What specific, measurable and realistic thing can you do to get to the top of that mountain?  Climb the mountain, and keep pushing on until you get there.

What needs to happen for that to occur automatically?  Perhaps you need to do some research into climbing mountains.  Perhaps you need to work out.  Perhaps you need to gather supplies.  Perhaps you need to get an accountability partner so that you can’t chicken out.

When this vision becomes the context of your life, and you dedicate yourself to doing the things required to make that vision a reality, you are on your purpose.

The question you are constantly asking yourself is “how does this help me with my purpose?”

“But Andy!” you might protest, “I like to go out and get shitfaced on Friday nights.  I don’t want to give that up!”

When you are giving your life everything you’ve got, you need substantial times to renew yourself.  The best way to renew yourself is to do things you enjoy, and if getting shitfaced is something you enjoy then you can and should keep doing it unless it is distracting you or is a means of escape.

In fact, you will feel less guilty about doing that stuff when you know it fits into this larger context.

Now that we have got that out of the way, let’s bring this back to relationships.

Women are wired to want to “support their man.”  If you are on your purpose, she can feel that.  On a deep level, she craves to be  with a man like that.

When she tests you, it is to see whether or not her feminine charms can throw you off your purpose.  If they can, you are a weak man.  I’ll talk more about this in part 2 when I discuss masculine and feminine polarity

It comes down to her need for direction that is rooted in polarity, a topic in part 2.

If you feel lost, have a hard time getting up in the morning and are living your life in reaction, you probably do not have a strong sense of purpose.  Find it ASAP.

Here is the evolution of my purpose over the past nine months from actual entries I wrote in my journal.  It should be a useful example for you.

– Draft 1 (October 2008):  I want to be the best high school teacher ever

– Draft 2 (January 2009):  I want to be an amazing high school teacher who makes a positive influence on his student’s lives

– Draft 3 (February 2009):  I think high school is a profound waste of time for the vast majority of students.  This is because the focus of most high schools is for students to learn a bunch of knowledge that they will never use, train them to conform to a certain way of doing things, and prepare them to find jobs.  In the 21st century, this is a failed model.  I want to spearhead a movement that shifts the focus of high school education towards using the subject matter as a means to develop things like creativity, problem solving, communication skills, time and energy management, independent thought, a positive self-image, a sense of purpose, and social calibration that will lead to happy, fulfilling and successful lives.

– Draft 4 (June 2009):  I envision a world where more high school graduates are equipped with the skills that will allow them to be successful, fulfilled and happy in today’s world.  I will be a high school teacher who will help my students become aware of and develop these skills through the context of my class.  In addition, I will seek out and work with the social outcasts and help as many of them as possible have at least one person in their life who cares about them and have a girl/guy they are dating.  As a result, fewer people will graduate high school feeling bitter, trapped and lonely.

This is still a work in progress, but notice how it has gotten progressively less “preachy” and more “visionary.”  Also notice how there is a greater and greater focus on contribution.

As for what needs to happen for that to happen automatically, I need to get the necessary credentials to become a high school teacher, I need to become a master at public speaking and general communication, I need to get a better handle on social dynamics, and I need to be a living example of someone who is happy, successful and fulfilled.

Every day I wake up and make progress towards those things.

Part 4:  What We Want- Revisited

So why do we want a woman in our lives?

When we are at the surface level, it is for the reasons discussed in part 2.   Things like beauty, fun, sense of humor, witty, independent, etc.

But let’s take the mindset of a man on his purpose.  Why does he want a woman?

An amazing woman helps you become the man you need to be in order to accomplish your vision.

A “perfect 10” woman is not by definition physically beautiful.  A “perfect 10” woman is someone who gets what it means to be feminine.  She gets what it means to support her man.

A perfect 10 woman does not by definition cook for you, do your laundry, make the bed, etc.  What the perfect 10 woman does by definition is call you out when you are not living up to your purpose.  When you don’t go to the gym in the morning because you woke up a little late, or when you go out to get shitfaced not because you enjoy doing it but because you are trying to act cool or distract yourself, or when you are watching TV not to recharge your batteries but to escape your problems, the perfect 10 woman will be there to give you a nice kick in the ass.

So what is the most important quality of a woman?  Her ability to sense when you are wussing out and her ability to support and nurture you while you’re on your purpose.  The surface level stuff becomes the spices on a steak, not the steak itself.

For example, instead of looks being 80% of what attracts you to a woman, in the new paragram they are 30% of what attracts you to a woman.

That said, this woman can indeed be considered a 10, depending on how well she has developed herself.

Instead of going out when single with the intention of “picking up chicks,” this man is looking for this type of woman.  While some of the actions taken might be the same, the mindset is very different.

Why is this mindset better?

I was personally  resistant to changing my old mindset to this for quite some time because the old one was giving me results.

Then I bit the bullet made the shift.  Boy am I glad I did.

The reason I have found this mindset to be better is that it opens up the door to “depth.”  This goes beyond sex, although it’s an example I use a lot.  If you know what you’re doing, the sex in a relationship is much, much, much, much, much, much better than what you can possibly get out of casual flings.  The key word is depth.

I will be talking about this depth in the upcoming parts.  For now, think about what you have read here, take out what you find useful and implement that stuff immediately.


Coming Soon: How To Rock Relationships

June 26, 2009

For a long time now, I have been fascinated by relationships.  Even before I got into my first relationship, I read lots and lots of material on them.

It was very keyboard-jockeyish.

I have until now been hesitant to write about the stuff I have learned on relationships because I wanted to actually try out the stuff to sort out the abstract from the useful.

But now I am going to be dumping all the good stuff on you guys…

In 6 parts.

Yes, that’s 6 monster posts.

While the motivation is selfish, I believe that they will dramatically improve your relationships with girls.  If you are not at the point yet where you are open for a relationship, these posts might change your mind.  At the very least, they will be available down the line when you do decide to get into a relationship.

Why 6 posts?

In a model that I find useful when thinking about relationships, there are three “pillars” to an amazing relationship.

1.  Being an attractive man
2.  Pushing the envelope sexually
3.  Growing together

Each one of these will get two posts.  The first one will cover the surface level stuff, while the second one will cover the deeper levels, and boy is there depth to them.

Here are some things to expect…

Post 1: Shifting some mindsets, shifting your priorities, the meaning of being on your purpose, being what she craves, a woman’s role in your life

Post 2:  Generating masculine polarity, handling bad emotions like jealousy and anger, being “present” with her

Post 3:  How to be a stud in bed, how to give oral sex, how to give her multiple vaginal orgasms, the 4 pillars (dominance, emotion, variety, immersion), how to bring out her bisexual side, how to smoothly advance to anal and deepthroatring, fantasies

Post 4:  Tantric sex, “fucking” vs “making love” vs “ravishing,” “finding God through sex,” the male multiple orgasm, the role of ejaculation, how to have multiple-hour-long sessions

Post 5:  Self-actualizing and her role in that, developing a stronger self image, leading her forward without pushing her away, establishing boundaries

Post 6:  Finding yourself with her, unifying your souls, exposing your shadow

It is going to be sick.


How To Make Friends If You Have None

June 19, 2009

Alright, so you have no friends and you want some.  How do you go about getting them?

The good news is that you do not have to be some kind of conversational wizard.  

All you have to do is be friendly and proactive.

People in general are attracted to whatever provides them with good emotions.  This is why even the most socially awkward, nerdy people have friends.

How do you give people good emotions?  By not trying to make a certain impression on the other person.  

What does this mean?  Be authentic.

A lot of people do not interact with others authentically.  They are constantly trying to impress or manipulate how the other person thinks of them.

DROP THAT.

By default, if you are expressing yourself as opposed to trying to impress another person, you are a source of good emotions.  This is because humans are wired to enjoy authentic conversation with other humans.

When you are trying to impress other people, you are by definition trying to get a certain reaction from them.  This is value taking to the extreme, and they can feel it.  

Think about a beggar who approaches you on the street.  How do you feel when he starts talking to you?  Usually pretty defensive.  Why?  Because you know he wants something from you.

So when you meet someone new, expect nothing.  This is incredibly important.  When you expect nothing, and just let go of any outcome, you will be communicating all the right things.  At that point, even boring conversation will work.

Being proactive means taking the initiative in the friendship.  The key ingredient to a friendship is time spent doing things together, so take the lead and arrange things with other people.  

In college, the easiest things to invite people to are parties.  As I talked about in another article, the path of least resistance is to be able to provide hot girls, booze or a place to party.

That said, those are a few options among many.  Off the top of my head, you can invite people to…

– Swing by and play video games
– Check out a part of campus
– Study
– Play pool
– Attend a sporting event
– Go ice skating
– Go to the mall
– Window shop
– Get a coffee
– Go to the park
– Walk your dog
– Go out to eat
– Meet up for a meal (Money if you’re in the dorms)
– Go to an event
– Go to the bar
– Go dancing
– Bowling
– Watch TV at your place
– Go do some shots
– Pick up girls/guys
– Pull some prank
– Play catch
– Play frisbee
– Go to the gym

And that’s just off the top of my head.  There are thousands of other things you can do.

Being proactive also extends to meeting people in the first place.  Start up conversations with people in class, have a pleasant conversation and simply say “yo, we should hang out some time.”  Boom, you have a new acquaintance.  Call him/her up and suggest doing something.  Do this a few times, and you’re friends with the person.

And yes, always assume that people are lazy.  Be the one making the calls.  be the one making the arrangements.  Go introduce people to one another and help them keep up an initial conversation.

And have no expectations from your friends.  If they flake on you, it isn’t a big deal.  If they keep blowing you off, it doesn’t necessarily mean they hate you.

Because remember, humans are, well, human.


Quick Thought On Whether To Work In The Morning Or Not

June 18, 2009

A lot of websites that give advice on college success recommend waking up early and doing work in the morning.  Here are some pros and cons to working in the morning.

Pros

1.  You have the most untapped energy available in the morning

2.  Being productive in the morning build positive momentum.  In other words, it is easier to be productive during the day if you’re productive from the moment you wake up

3.  You feel like you aren’t “wasting time”

Cons

1.  You lose the flexibility of when you go to bed

2.  You can’t drink the night before (It’s tough to work with a hangover)

3.  If you wake up late, you feel like you are way behind and start off the day in a lousy emotional state

4.  By working in the morning, you put yourself in a logical state of mind.  That will carry throughout the day and affect how you interact with others

5.  A lot of people find their creativity is a little lacking in the morning hours

Personally, I use the morning as a way to prepare myself for the rest of the day.  I like to spend my mornings at the gym, having sex, eating and hanging out.

That does not mean I recommend you do the same.

What I do recommend for everyone is that you do something before you begin working (No, brushing your teeth does not count).  Some suggestions include hitting the gym, meditating, having sex or eating a really nutritious meal.  This is called having a morning ritual.

If you jump straight into work, you will probably be performing at a very sub-optimal level.


The Importance Of Momentum

June 15, 2009

“An object in motion will stay in motion, and an object at rest will stay at rest, unless acted upon by an outside force.”

That is Newton’s First Law Of Motion.  It’s application goes far beyond physics.

As I have pointed out before, we have a set of habits that make our lives pretty fucking predictable.  Naturally, then, to change your circumstances you need to change your habits.

But as we also know, it usually takes a lot of willpower to change a habit.

Usually you need to have serious emotional pain to find the motivation to go through with the difficult work of changing your habits.

So how do we get around this?

One way is by using that inevitability thinking I talked about in another article.  That mindset is a very important one to have.

But inevitability thinking in itself will not solve the problem.  You can mentally masturbate all you want, but until you actually take action, nothing is going to change.

What you need is momentum.  You need to get yourself in motion so that it takes an outside force to stop you, as opposed to being at rest and having to force yourself to be in motion.

Say you are lonely and want a girlfriend.  What could you do to make it inevitable that you will have a girlfriend in, say, a month?  Talk to girls, of course!

Now, if you have serious emotional leverage, you will be verymotivated. For example, if you can hear your roommate railing his girlfriend every night, it’s probably going to be easy to get yourself moving.

But let’s say the pain isn’t that severe.  Let’s say you want a girlfriend, but it’s limited to when you’re lying in bed alone late at night?  When you’re out and about during the day, you don’t feel motivated to blast through your anxiety to talk to girls.

The solution is to get some momentum going.  Start by asking random guys what the time is, if you can borrow a pen, where you can plug in your laptop, what he thought about the homework, etc.  Then talk to some “hired guns” at restaurants or the store.  They are paid to be nice to you.  Then move on to saying “hi” to girls sitting near you in the computer lab.  Maybe the step before that is to get comfortable sitting next to attractive girls in the computer lab.

Do you see where we are going with this?  We are building momentum by constantly moving towards what we want.  Each step is small and isn’t all that scary, but they are steps nonetheless. Most importantly, they do not require all that much motivation to complete.  In fact, after a while, it will take motivation to stop.

To use another example, say you want to increase the amount of time you can focus on an assignment.  Let’s say you can currently focus for 5 minutes and you want to get to an hour.

Start with 10 minutes.  Then move up to 15 minutes.  Then move up to 20 minutes.  You are building momentum.

Another part of this is eliminating stuff that creates “friction” for your momentum.  For example, if you want a girlfriend, you should probably masturbate less.

A more advanced concept is to integrate momentum into your everyday life.  From the second you wake up, you are constantly moving towards what you want.  Implementing the morning ritual is one such example.

I encourage you to think about the different areas of your life where you can apply this concept.


How To Be Popular In College: Becoming Cool

June 4, 2009

Alright, so I cranked out an article a while back on the superficial ways to become popular  in college.

I felt kind of weird writing that article, because I actually do not do that stuff anymore.  Nevertheless, it is easier than ever for me to make friends.

That article was targeted towards someone who is looking for a “quick fix” to a lame social life that doesn’t require seriously changing him/herself.

Now, providing booze, hot girls or a place to party is not the only way to become popular in college.

You probably know a guy who is just so fucking cool that he can appear at any party and immediately become the center of attention without doing anything.

He can get away with this because he is cool.

Most of us act, or try to act, cool.  When we say something, we hope that the other person responds in a certain way (laughing, being in awe, etc.).  When they respond the way that we want them to, we feel more confident that the other person thinks we are a cool person.  As a result, we feel better about ourselves.

In short, we are response junkies.  Like a heroine addict, we need our fix of validation from others in order to feel good about ourselves.  When we feel good about ourselves, we give ourselves permission to act cool.

Guys who are cool don’t need certain responses in order to give themselves permisison to be cool.  That permission comes from, well, being alive.

Because they are so convinced that they are the shit, any kind of negative feedback, such as others not laughing at their jokes or feeling annoyed, is blocked out completely.

As a result, they don’t feel self-conscious when they don’t get a certain response because they aren’t looking for a certain response in the first place.  Negative responses are not even processed.

Because they aren’t self-conscious, they feel free to be cool.

Now, being cool is the secret to social success.

But what does it mean to be cool?

Cool= Uniqueness + Congruence

Uniqueness:  Things that stands out about you.  This can include your personality, your mannerisms, your style, your worldview and the general way you carry yourself.

Congruence:  Are those things “who you are?”

Usually congruence lags behind uniqueness.

For example, if this guy…


…rolls into class one day rocking a tank top, bling bling and a bandanna and goes around saying “whad up dog,” he is probably not going to be congruent to it.  In other words, it is going to come across as weird because it is not who he is at that time.

Now, if he keeps with it long enough, it will become who he is.

The fact is, people can and do make dramatic changes to themselves.

If you think back to high school, you might have witnessed an average girl turn into an emo girl.  You might have seen a nerdy introvert become very outgoing and popular.  You might have seen a jock become a nerd.

Now, when somebody does something to make themselves stand out, they are usually not congruent to it.  Instead of being cool, that person goes through a period where he is “try hard” or “not himself” or “weird.” It takes a long time for old habits to go away, after all.

For example, if you are dry and boring, you will initially come across as weird if you start telling jokes.  Most of those jokes will probably bomb initially because you just aren’t that kind of guy yet.  You will feel enormous social pressure to return to the dry, boring conversationalist you were before.  After all, that boring identity is what you are still congruent to.

Most people are not willing to go through that period of rejection, so they don’t do anything to make themselves stand out more.

And since conformists are so common, they don’t stand out and therefore are not cool.

Now, even when a person becomes congruent to a more unique identity, their problems are not over.  The more you stand out, the more people with either love you OR hate you.

Your life will be filled with more groupies AND more haters.

The person you know with the most friends also has a lot of people bitching and moaning about them.

This is because if you do what most other people are doing, people will be indifferent towards you.  When you don’t do what other people are doing, then other people will actually have opinions about what you are doing.

Indifference, not hate, is the opposite of love.

Think about Nelly.  Nelly is undoubtedly a guy who stands out both professionally and personally.  He is pretty congruent to that to.

In fact, when he got a cut on his face and started wearing a bandaid, thousands of groupies across the country followed him and started rocking bandaids on their faces as well.

That said, a lot of people do not like Nelly’s antics.  They don’t like his attitude, his language, his style or his music.  To these haters, he is not cool.

Cool is in the eyes of the beholder.  The more you stand out, the more cool you will seem to some and the more uncool you will seem to others.

It’s a balance of sorts.  Depending on what you want in your life will depend on how you want to stand out.

It is possible to be cool and wear T-shirts and jeans.  It is possible to be cool and be full emo.  There are so many different ways to stand out it’s not even funny.

So let’s bring this around.  The key to being able to make friends without relying on superficial things like hot girls, booze and parties is to develop your individuality and allow yourself to stand out from others.  It is all about identity.

When you can go up to other people and give them a taste of this without needing anything in return, that is when you become powerful.  That is when you will have people begging to hang out with you.  That is when you become attractive to the opposite sex.  That is when you can walk into any social environment and immediately hook attention.

That is also when you will get people talking shit about you and trying to mess with you.

Thankfully, you will always have more groupies than haters so long as you give off good vibes.

Expect more to come on this topic.