How To Rock Relationships: Part 1

Part 1:  A Dramatic Shift In Your Mindset

A serious block for a lot of people are preconceived opinions on relationships.

To use myself as an example, I thought relationship blew.  My parents and relatives all had passionless marriages full of drama and general misery, while my friends in relationships seemed needy and whipped.

Of course, statistics seemed to support my view.  About 50% of marriages in the United States outright fail in divorce while the vast majority of those that survive suck.

Science seemed to as well.  After reading books like the Red Queen and Sperm Wars, I felt that humans were by definition promiscuous and that long term relationships were unnatural.

Combine this with the fact that I threw myself in an online community that worships players, even the thought of a relationship became chode.

What I didn’t realize is this one critical point: you are not our biology.

Think about that for a second.  You are not your biology.

For whatever reason, every one of us is fully capable of acting independent of our instincts.  If we see a guy talking to a girl we like, we do not have to act on the sudden feeling of jelousy that surges through our body or thoughts of “I am going to kill him.”

When we are about to approach a woman, the anxiety that we feel and the logical excuses that pop into our heads does not have to stop us from making the approach.

You are not your biology.

Your biology causes you to instinctively pursue instant gratification through short term thinking.  There are a million and one evolutionary reasons for this.

The reality is that a happy, successful and fulfilling life is the product of long term thinking.

To be in a successful relationship, you MUST be in a long term thinking mindset.

We will talk a lot about that later on.

Anyways, the reason why a lot of relationships suck is that a lot of people are slaves to their biology.  It is the same reason why the obesity rate is so high, why people smoke, why gym membership is so low, why so many people don’t use condoms, and why the United States government has racked up a debt of over 11 trillion dollars.

Long term relationships are long term things.  The benefits that make them superior to sleeping around with a bunch of girls accumulate over time and as a result of doing the right things consistently.

Some of these benefits include…

– Incredible and constantly improving sex
– A partner who knows your purpose and helps you actualize it
– Quasi-spiritual experiences
– Self-actualization
– You become a better man

Some short term thinking that make a lot of relationships hell…

– This girl is different than other girls, and I need her to feel good
– She’s acting crazy again.  I need to get away
– Why can’t she be reasonable?
– I’m in a relationship now, so I can stop taking care of my body
– Hey friends, check out my hot girlfriend!
– My relationship is the most important part of my life
– She slept with another guy.  What a whore.  I am a victim.

What you should take away from this: you are not your biology.  As a result, you do not have to act on your short-term instincts which sabotage a lot of relationships.

Part 2:  What Do You Want In a Woman and a Relationship, Round 1

Why do you want a woman in your life?

You have probably answered this question before.

Your answer might be “blond hair, nice tits.”

Or perhaps it is, “has a fun personality, a sense of humor, smart, witty, takes care of herself, etc.”

Both are fine, and one is not necessarily better than the other.

Now, below is a picture of what is commonly agreed upon to be a “perfect 10” woman.

What if someone suggested that the following woman could be a “10?”

Keep your thoughts on this in the back of your mind.  We shall return to these two girls at the end of the post.

A lot of guys in relationships are more attracted to the idea of having a girlfriend as opposed to actually being attracted to the girl herself.

These guys have the mindset of “hey, I’ll have a girlfriend.  We’ll cherish, have lots of great sex, I’ll be able to show her off to my friends and I won’t feel lonely anymore.”

Reflect on whether you are more attracted to the idea of a relationship more than the girl herself.  It says a lot about you.

Part 3:  Being On Your Purpose

The concept of “be on your purpose” is something I had read a lot about but didn’t really get.  To me, it sounded kind of airy fairy.

When you understand what it means to be on your purpose and then actually live by it, your life will be changed and your relationships will dramatically improve.

Being on your purpose means that you live your life in the context of becoming a man who can make a vision a reality.

All you need to do is answer three questions:

1.  How do you envision the world could be a better place?

2.  What specific, measurable and realistic thing can you do to bring about that change?

3.  What needs to happen for that thing to happen automatically?

As simple and straightforward as these questions seem, they require a lot of soul searching and time to be answered.  Once they are answered and you make the commitment to become that person, then you are on your purpose.

Say you walk to the foot of a mountain.  As you arch your head back to look at the top of the mountain, you think about how cool the view would be from up there.

You have a vision: being at the top of that mountain.

What specific, measurable and realistic thing can you do to get to the top of that mountain?  Climb the mountain, and keep pushing on until you get there.

What needs to happen for that to occur automatically?  Perhaps you need to do some research into climbing mountains.  Perhaps you need to work out.  Perhaps you need to gather supplies.  Perhaps you need to get an accountability partner so that you can’t chicken out.

When this vision becomes the context of your life, and you dedicate yourself to doing the things required to make that vision a reality, you are on your purpose.

The question you are constantly asking yourself is “how does this help me with my purpose?”

“But Andy!” you might protest, “I like to go out and get shitfaced on Friday nights.  I don’t want to give that up!”

When you are giving your life everything you’ve got, you need substantial times to renew yourself.  The best way to renew yourself is to do things you enjoy, and if getting shitfaced is something you enjoy then you can and should keep doing it unless it is distracting you or is a means of escape.

In fact, you will feel less guilty about doing that stuff when you know it fits into this larger context.

Now that we have got that out of the way, let’s bring this back to relationships.

Women are wired to want to “support their man.”  If you are on your purpose, she can feel that.  On a deep level, she craves to be  with a man like that.

When she tests you, it is to see whether or not her feminine charms can throw you off your purpose.  If they can, you are a weak man.  I’ll talk more about this in part 2 when I discuss masculine and feminine polarity

It comes down to her need for direction that is rooted in polarity, a topic in part 2.

If you feel lost, have a hard time getting up in the morning and are living your life in reaction, you probably do not have a strong sense of purpose.  Find it ASAP.

Here is the evolution of my purpose over the past nine months from actual entries I wrote in my journal.  It should be a useful example for you.

– Draft 1 (October 2008):  I want to be the best high school teacher ever

– Draft 2 (January 2009):  I want to be an amazing high school teacher who makes a positive influence on his student’s lives

– Draft 3 (February 2009):  I think high school is a profound waste of time for the vast majority of students.  This is because the focus of most high schools is for students to learn a bunch of knowledge that they will never use, train them to conform to a certain way of doing things, and prepare them to find jobs.  In the 21^st century, this is a failed model.  I want to spearhead a movement that shifts the focus of high school education towards using the subject matter as a means to develop things like creativity, problem solving, communication skills, time and energy management, independent thought, a positive self-image, a sense of purpose, and social calibration that will lead to happy, fulfilling and successful lives.

– Draft 4 (June 2009):  I envision a world where more high school graduates are equipped with the skills that will allow them to be successful, fulfilled and happy in today’s world.  I will be a high school teacher who will help my students become aware of and develop these skills through the context of my class.  In addition, I will seek out and work with the social outcasts and help as many of them as possible have at least one person in their life who cares about them and have a girl/guy they are dating.  As a result, fewer people will graduate high school feeling bitter, trapped and lonely.

This is still a work in progress, but notice how it has gotten progressively less “preachy” and more “visionary.”  Also notice how there is a greater and greater focus on contribution.

As for what needs to happen for that to happen automatically, I need to get the necessary credentials to become a high school teacher, I need to become a master at public speaking and general communication, I need to get a better handle on social dynamics, and I need to be a living example of someone who is happy, successful and fulfilled.

Every day I wake up and make progress towards those things.

Part 4:  What We Want- Revisited

So why do we want a woman in our lives?

When we are at the surface level, it is for the reasons discussed in part 2.   Things like beauty, fun, sense of humor, witty, independent, etc.

But let’s take the mindset of a man on his purpose.  Why does he want a woman?

An amazing woman helps you become the man you need to be in order to accomplish your vision.

A “perfect 10” woman is not by definition physically beautiful.  A “perfect 10” woman is someone who gets what it means to be feminine.  She gets what it means to support her man.

A perfect 10 woman does not by definition cook for you, do your laundry, make the bed, etc.  What the perfect 10 woman does by definition is call you out when you are not living up to your purpose.  When you don’t go to the gym in the morning because you woke up a little late, or when you go out to get shitfaced not because you enjoy doing it but because you are trying to act cool or distract yourself, or when you are watching TV not to recharge your batteries but to escape your problems, the perfect 10 woman will be there to give you a nice kick in the ass.

So what is the most important quality of a woman?  Her ability to sense when you are wussing out and her ability to support and nurture you while you’re on your purpose.  The surface level stuff becomes the spices on a steak, not the steak itself.

For example, instead of looks being 80% of what attracts you to a woman, in the new paragram they are 30% of what attracts you to a woman.

That said, this woman can indeed be considered a 10, depending on how well she has developed herself.

Instead of going out when single with the intention of “picking up chicks,” this man is looking for this type of woman.  While some of the actions taken might be the same, the mindset is very different.

Why is this mindset better?

I was personally  resistant to changing my old mindset to this for quite some time because the old one was giving me results.

Then I bit the bullet made the shift.  Boy am I glad I did.

The reason I have found this mindset to be better is that it opens up the door to “depth.”  This goes beyond sex, although it’s an example I use a lot.  If you know what you’re doing, the sex in a relationship is much, much, much, much, much, much better than what you can possibly get out of casual flings.  The key word is depth.

I will be talking about this depth in the upcoming parts.  For now, think about what you have read here, take out what you find useful and implement that stuff immediately.

Coming Soon: How To Rock Relationships

For a long time now, I have been fascinated by relationships.  Even before I got into my first relationship, I read lots and lots of material on them.

It was very keyboard-jockeyish.

I have until now been hesitant to write about the stuff I have learned on relationships because I wanted to actually try out the stuff to sort out the abstract from the useful.

But now I am going to be dumping all the good stuff on you guys…

In 6 parts.

Yes, that’s 6 monster posts.

While the motivation is selfish, I believe that they will dramatically improve your relationships with girls.  If you are not at the point yet where you are open for a relationship, these posts might change your mind.  At the very least, they will be available down the line when you do decide to get into a relationship.

Why 6 posts?

In a model that I find useful when thinking about relationships, there are three “pillars” to an amazing relationship.

1.  Being an attractive man
2.  Pushing the envelope sexually
3.  Growing together

Each one of these will get two posts.  The first one will cover the surface level stuff, while the second one will cover the deeper levels, and boy is there depth to them.

Here are some things to expect…

Post 1: Shifting some mindsets, shifting your priorities, the meaning of being on your purpose, being what she craves, a woman’s role in your life

Post 2:  Generating masculine polarity, handling bad emotions like jealousy and anger, being “present” with her

Post 3:  How to be a stud in bed, how to give oral sex, how to give her multiple vaginal orgasms, the 4 pillars (dominance, emotion, variety, immersion), how to bring out her bisexual side, how to smoothly advance to anal and deepthroatring, fantasies

Post 4:  Tantric sex, “fucking” vs “making love” vs “ravishing,” “finding God through sex,” the male multiple orgasm, the role of ejaculation, how to have multiple-hour-long sessions

Post 5:  Self-actualizing and her role in that, developing a stronger self image, leading her forward without pushing her away, establishing boundaries

Post 6:  Finding yourself with her, unifying your souls, exposing your shadow

It is going to be sick.

For Guys: How To Succeed With Girls In College

A lot of college guys do not have the sex lives that they want.  If this is you, the good news is that this can be changed pretty quickly.

I am not a professional dating coach, nor do I have “tight game.”  That said, I was able to go from zero success with girls in high school to all the success I want in college.

Here are some resources that I believe can help you regardless of where you are at right now.

NOTE: You should not just read through these once and be done with them.  Study them so the concepts really “click.”

Basics

If you are a virgin or have sucked with girls in the past, it aint that big of a deal.

If you have never had sex before, here is what it is like.

Understanding What Attracts Girls

Here’s a long, detailed article about attraction.

Here’s a shorter article that talks about how why what you say to a girl is irrelevant.

How To Think Around Girls

Here is an article about the mindset you have when you are around an attractive girl.

An article on being a positive, value-giving guy.

A video about some more mindsets you should have around girls.

Nervousness Around Girls

Here’s an article about the anxiety you feel when you are about to approach a girl.

Here is an article about dropping your ego, which will clear most of your anxiety.

Stuff To Do With Girls

Here are some fun things to do with girls in college

Sex

Read this book!

I hope this stuff helps.

For Girls: Inside the Mind of a Guy

As a heterosexual guy, I cannot really give all that good of advice on “how to be an attractive girl” other than very vague and unhelpful things like “look pretty” and “be nice.”  That said, one thing of value I can offer you is a sort of window into the mind of a guy.

Now, now, there is more that goes on inside a guy’s mind than sex.  We do on occasion think about girl on girl makeouts ;-).

Kidding aside, us guys, like you girls, are pretty complex.  Our lives are filled with contradicting messages about how to act around girls, and a lot of generally weird ideas have resulted.

For instance, a lot of films feature awkward guys who, after showering a girl with praise and gifts, end up stealing her from the bad boy and driving off with her into the sunset.  As a result, guys think that if they can be super nice to you, they can make you their girlfriend.

This is usually mixed with highly romanticized views of girls, such as the belief that girls do not like sex, girls must be showered with expensive dates, all girls want the same types of relationships, girls must control the relationship, the guy is there to please the girl, etc.

On the other end of the spectrum, a lot of guys hold the view that only “bad boys” can attract girls.  They get this belief because, well, the evidence seems to be all around them.  It is usually the jocks in high school who have the attractive girlfriends, and in the real world it is the rockstars, aggressive womanizers and grown up “bros” who seem to get laid.

This is why guys will pretend to act really arrogant around you, insult you, judge you, call you a whore, and act like an overall douchebag.

In the middle are guys who get that what girls like is the masculinity of the bad boy coupled with the respect of the nice guy.  Nevertheless, these guys still probably bum you out a lot.  For instance, you might have had thoughts like these before…

– “Why didn’t he come talk to me?”
– “Why is he talking about that?”
– “When is he going to make his move?  Does he not see my signals?”
– “Why did he start acting weird?”
– “Wow, he’s going way too fast”

Regardless of how pretty you look or how nice you seem, not all guys who want to approach you and start a conversation will.  There are a million potential reasons for this, from the guy already having a girlfriend to the guy being legitimately busy.  Oftentimes, however, the reason is that he is afraid of being rejected by you.

This might seem pretty lame to you, but consider this: the feeling guys get when they have a fear of rejection is the same feeling you get when you are about to have serious physical pain.  Some scientists believe that this is because being rejected from a group literally meant death during the time humans were evolving.

Science aside, feeling that fear of rejection sucks, and it is really tough for even otherwise confident guys to get a handle on it.  Keep that in mind when you see a guy who clearly thinks your cute but is reluctant to come over and talk to you.

Because most of the information coming at guys about girls is pretty lame, most guys really do not know how to act around girls- and that includes how to talk to them.  That’s why conversations with guys can be pretty awkward and forced much of the time.

Moreover, most advice guys hear revolves around “being funny” or “being impressive” around girls.  This explains why guys will try and crack a joke every other sentence or weave in stories of elaborate trips to Italy out of nowhere.

They’re doing the best they can, it’s just that they have awful information to work with.

Ya, it’s true that you girls like us to be funny and interesting, but at the same time you obviously aren’t attracted to clowns or try-hards.

Additionally, inexperienced guys generally do not know what it means to make a move.  In movies, oftentimes their best source, kisses are dramatic and oftentimes initiated by the girl.  Moreover, there is usually a cutaway from the kiss directly to sex.  The stuff in between is not shown.

So if a guy isn’t picking up on your signals, it does not always mean that he doesn’t want you.

When a guy suddenly starts acting “weird,” it is usually because he suddenly got nervous.  Ore often than not, he realizes that he might have a chance with you and doesn’t want to screw it up.  To “not screw it up” he gets inside his head and out of what is going on between the two of you.

Additionally, he may just tighten up when he thinks about what might be happening between you two.  Guys love to fantasize, but when the fantasy turns into reality, it can sometimes be a little scary.

On the other hand, when guys “go to fast,” it is usually because they are either trying to mimic the bad boy <i>or</i> because they did not correctly interpret your signals.  Some guys are told by their friends to have a “always be closing” mindset (Like you’re a door or something), which might be why they are all gung ho.

If the guy is clearly more aggressive than he was the last time you saw them, it may very well be because they got home, thought about what happened between you two, and concluded that they had missed an opportunity to escalate with you.  They are trying to correct their mistake this time.

I will leave it to you to figure out what to do with this information.  The one thing I hope you have gotten out of it is this: being a guy isn’t any easier than being a girl, at least when it comes to dating and relationships.  Keep that in mind when the guy does something that confuses the hell out of you.

Where To Meet Guys/Girls In College

The idea of rolling up to random guys/girls and starting a conversation is truly terrifying to most people. Wouldn’t it be easier if it was just natural to meet new guys/girls in your everyday life?

This idea is simple yet incredibly powerful: structure your life so that new, attractive guys/girls are around you every single day.

I call it an “ecosystem.” [Coined originally by Tim from RSD]

The oldest and most widely known way for creating an ecosystem is to go out to parties and bars at least three days a week. That is totally legit and the many success stories surrounding it are a testament to its power.

You could also roll around and cold approach strangers. If you can muster the balls to do this, you will be rewarded nicely.

In this article, I would like to present some other options for creating something called an “ecosystem” that I have personally integrated into my life. I hope you all find some value in this.
In general, an ecosystem is…

1. Outside of your room. Seriously, get out of your fucking room

2. A series of places you go to where guys/girls will be in close proximity to you and where interactions will naturally start (ie a warm approach).

3. A series of places that you can easily integrate into your daily life. This is a very passive approach to meeting guys/girls, but it works.

Luckily for you, you are in college.

To give you an example of an ecosystem, here are some places I go in an average day…

Morning

– Wake up, go to a college dining hall for breakfast

Buy a meal plan. I probably run into at least one new girl who I could easily start a conversation with every single day at these places, be it in line, getting a drink or the occasional girl who will SIT RIGHT NEXT TO ME (This will happen more than you might think)

– Hit up a large gym

When I go to the gym, I usually run into at least two girl employees on my way to the locker room, never mind the girls I bump into at the dumbbell rack or while getting a drink of water. The downside is those damn ipods.

– Go to class

If you are in class, you are in the single best place to meet girls. If you are in a lecture hall, get there early and sit in a seat with two open seats between you and the aisle. If a girl sits in the aisle seat, that means she thinks your cute but is kindof nervous. Talk to her after class, during which time you should be making eye contact with her and smiling. If a girl sits right next to you, then she not only thinks your cute, but is also pretty confident.

Afternoon/Night

– Instead of goofing off or working at home, do it in a large, busy coffee shop

Coffee Houses on college campuses have a lot of people circling through them. If there is a lounge area there with comfy chairs surrounding a table, sit in one of the comfy chairs and, soon enough, a girl will sit within proximity to you. Opening is very easy here, just ask her to watch your things, take a leak then come back, tease her about being a good guard or whatever you feel like talking about. You will also get into proximity with girls in line and when your getting your sugar and stuff.

– Walk around public parks

Even though it is cold as fuck up here, I still love walking around the parks around town. You will walk by many attractive girls, and if you feel ballsy you can pretty easily start conversations with them.

– Go to events or join clubs

If you live on a college campus, there are probably a lot of student groups putting on events. Go to these! Seriously, these are amazing. I went to a Malaysian student association dinner a while back and was one of two white people there- the other was a pretty cute white girl. Boom, easy conversation to start.

Even if you don’t give a shit about what the group is doing, join it to meet people! For example, a buddy of mine likes to go to PETA meetings even though he is a NRA member and hunts. He tells me the girls there are amazing. I’m a libertarian yet I still go to College Democrats meetings to be social.

– Library

Same suggestions and reasoning apply here as in the coffee shops.

Some Other Ideas

– Tanning Salons
– Yoga
– Cooking Class
– Women Studies Class (I will be trying this out next semester)
– Barber Shops
– Dance Class
– Hardware Stores
– Tennis Club
– Amusements Parks
– DMV/Secretary of State (I would go gay if a guy approached me there- god are those places boring)
– Bookstore
– Protests and Demonstrations
– Grocery Stores
– Museums
– Women’s Clothing Stores
– Mall