The Two Ways Of Winning

July 4, 2009

There are two ways people typically look at winning:

1.  Winning to beat someone else

2.  Winning to succeed in reaching a goal or in getting what you want.

Unless you have been living in a cave your whole life, you are probably aware of how sports work.  One team/person takes on another team/person, they compete and then there is a winner.

The goal for both teams/individuals is to beat the other one.

Unfortunately, this definition of “winning” is transferred to contexts outside of sports.

For example, the motivation for some people to get good grades is to “beat” their peers.  This gives them a nice fix of superiority that serves the same function as a blunt to a pothead.

Competition is fine on a mediocre level.  But once you start doing things like trying to fuck someone else’s girlfriend, comparing what you have with someone else, or be better than someone else, you lose a part of your identity.

In fact, you completely lose your ability to be individualized because you are dependent on how others perform and react to you for your fulfillment in life.

Even worse, that mindset will stunt your progress towards getting what you want.

Your mentality at all times should be “ok, how do I get to what I want for myself while helping lift other people up?”

That is when good things begin to happen.


Introducing Clean Focus And Clean Cuts

July 2, 2009

Let me give you a brief introduction to two things that I will be writing a lot more about in the future: clean focus and clean cuts.

Clean Focus: When you are doing something without any internal or external distraction.

Clean Cuts: When you switch your focus to something else, you do not allow what you were focused on before to carry over.

We already know that the ability to focus on one thing is the most powerful tool at our disposal.  We also know that distraction of any kind will kill your focus and make you both unproductive and emotionally unstable.

In every area of our lives, the ideal we should all be striving for is having clean focus and clean cuts.

A lot of people allow the problems in one area of their life to carry over the other areas of their life.  For example, someone might have relationship problems and then allow it to affect their focus in lecture the next day.  If they would just make a clean cut, accept that their problem is what it is and that they’ll deal with it when appropriate, then this will not happen.

Of course, this is much easier said than done.  Both your focus and your ability to transfer focus from one thing to another are like muscles that will get stronger the more you train them.

But just by being aware that having clean focus and making clean cuts is what you should be striving for, you will naturally move towards that (Reticular Activation System, a subject of another post).

For now, just start observing when distractions contaminate your focus.  Those moments will expose things that you need to take care of.

More on this later.

The Internal Butterfly Effect

June 30, 2009

This is another concept I learned from Eben Pagan.

Have you ever been working on an assignment when suddenly a thought popped up, which led to another, and another, and another until 20 minutes have passed and nothing had been accomplished?

You might ask yourself, “WTF happened?”

In science, there is something called chaos theory.  It is the idea that very small events can eventually cause very large events.

The classic example is the “butterfly effect.”  The theory is that a butterfly flapping its wings in, say, Mexico can alter the atmosphere just enough to eventually cause a Tornado in, say, Nebraska.

Well, we all have both internal and external butterflies of our own.  Once you are aware of them, you can “catch” these thoughts before they cause you problems.

Usually, internal butterflies stem take the form of certain thoughts.  For example, perhaps the thought of a cute girl in your Spanish class leads to you trying to figure out how you can talk to her, then imagining the two of you at a party together playing beer pong, then thinking about your previous girlfriend who you did special things with, etc.

Needless to say, you aint focused on the task at hand.

Next time you work on something, observe what thoughts trigger a chain of events that leads to distraction from what you are doing.  In the future, cut the thought loop off at the beginning when it is still a butterfly before it turns into a tornado.

Coming Soon: How To Rock Relationships

June 26, 2009

For a long time now, I have been fascinated by relationships.  Even before I got into my first relationship, I read lots and lots of material on them.

It was very keyboard-jockeyish.

I have until now been hesitant to write about the stuff I have learned on relationships because I wanted to actually try out the stuff to sort out the abstract from the useful.

But now I am going to be dumping all the good stuff on you guys…

In 6 parts.

Yes, that’s 6 monster posts.

While the motivation is selfish, I believe that they will dramatically improve your relationships with girls.  If you are not at the point yet where you are open for a relationship, these posts might change your mind.  At the very least, they will be available down the line when you do decide to get into a relationship.

Why 6 posts?

In a model that I find useful when thinking about relationships, there are three “pillars” to an amazing relationship.

1.  Being an attractive man
2.  Pushing the envelope sexually
3.  Growing together

Each one of these will get two posts.  The first one will cover the surface level stuff, while the second one will cover the deeper levels, and boy is there depth to them.

Here are some things to expect…

Post 1: Shifting some mindsets, shifting your priorities, the meaning of being on your purpose, being what she craves, a woman’s role in your life

Post 2:  Generating masculine polarity, handling bad emotions like jealousy and anger, being “present” with her

Post 3:  How to be a stud in bed, how to give oral sex, how to give her multiple vaginal orgasms, the 4 pillars (dominance, emotion, variety, immersion), how to bring out her bisexual side, how to smoothly advance to anal and deepthroatring, fantasies

Post 4:  Tantric sex, “fucking” vs “making love” vs “ravishing,” “finding God through sex,” the male multiple orgasm, the role of ejaculation, how to have multiple-hour-long sessions

Post 5:  Self-actualizing and her role in that, developing a stronger self image, leading her forward without pushing her away, establishing boundaries

Post 6:  Finding yourself with her, unifying your souls, exposing your shadow

It is going to be sick.

The Importance Of Momentum

June 15, 2009

“An object in motion will stay in motion, and an object at rest will stay at rest, unless acted upon by an outside force.”

That is Newton’s First Law Of Motion.  It’s application goes far beyond physics.

As I have pointed out before, we have a set of habits that make our lives pretty fucking predictable.  Naturally, then, to change your circumstances you need to change your habits.

But as we also know, it usually takes a lot of willpower to change a habit.

Usually you need to have serious emotional pain to find the motivation to go through with the difficult work of changing your habits.

So how do we get around this?

One way is by using that inevitability thinking I talked about in another article.  That mindset is a very important one to have.

But inevitability thinking in itself will not solve the problem.  You can mentally masturbate all you want, but until you actually take action, nothing is going to change.

What you need is momentum.  You need to get yourself in motion so that it takes an outside force to stop you, as opposed to being at rest and having to force yourself to be in motion.

Say you are lonely and want a girlfriend.  What could you do to make it inevitable that you will have a girlfriend in, say, a month?  Talk to girls, of course!

Now, if you have serious emotional leverage, you will be verymotivated. For example, if you can hear your roommate railing his girlfriend every night, it’s probably going to be easy to get yourself moving.

But let’s say the pain isn’t that severe.  Let’s say you want a girlfriend, but it’s limited to when you’re lying in bed alone late at night?  When you’re out and about during the day, you don’t feel motivated to blast through your anxiety to talk to girls.

The solution is to get some momentum going.  Start by asking random guys what the time is, if you can borrow a pen, where you can plug in your laptop, what he thought about the homework, etc.  Then talk to some “hired guns” at restaurants or the store.  They are paid to be nice to you.  Then move on to saying “hi” to girls sitting near you in the computer lab.  Maybe the step before that is to get comfortable sitting next to attractive girls in the computer lab.

Do you see where we are going with this?  We are building momentum by constantly moving towards what we want.  Each step is small and isn’t all that scary, but they are steps nonetheless. Most importantly, they do not require all that much motivation to complete.  In fact, after a while, it will take motivation to stop.

To use another example, say you want to increase the amount of time you can focus on an assignment.  Let’s say you can currently focus for 5 minutes and you want to get to an hour.

Start with 10 minutes.  Then move up to 15 minutes.  Then move up to 20 minutes.  You are building momentum.

Another part of this is eliminating stuff that creates “friction” for your momentum.  For example, if you want a girlfriend, you should probably masturbate less.

A more advanced concept is to integrate momentum into your everyday life.  From the second you wake up, you are constantly moving towards what you want.  Implementing the morning ritual is one such example.

I encourage you to think about the different areas of your life where you can apply this concept.

How To Be Popular In College: Becoming Cool

June 4, 2009

Alright, so I cranked out an article a while back on the superficial ways to become popular  in college.

I felt kind of weird writing that article, because I actually do not do that stuff anymore.  Nevertheless, it is easier than ever for me to make friends.

That article was targeted towards someone who is looking for a “quick fix” to a lame social life that doesn’t require seriously changing him/herself.

Now, providing booze, hot girls or a place to party is not the only way to become popular in college.

You probably know a guy who is just so fucking cool that he can appear at any party and immediately become the center of attention without doing anything.

He can get away with this because he is cool.

Most of us act, or try to act, cool.  When we say something, we hope that the other person responds in a certain way (laughing, being in awe, etc.).  When they respond the way that we want them to, we feel more confident that the other person thinks we are a cool person.  As a result, we feel better about ourselves.

In short, we are response junkies.  Like a heroine addict, we need our fix of validation from others in order to feel good about ourselves.  When we feel good about ourselves, we give ourselves permission to act cool.

Guys who are cool don’t need certain responses in order to give themselves permisison to be cool.  That permission comes from, well, being alive.

Because they are so convinced that they are the shit, any kind of negative feedback, such as others not laughing at their jokes or feeling annoyed, is blocked out completely.

As a result, they don’t feel self-conscious when they don’t get a certain response because they aren’t looking for a certain response in the first place.  Negative responses are not even processed.

Because they aren’t self-conscious, they feel free to be cool.

Now, being cool is the secret to social success.

But what does it mean to be cool?

Cool= Uniqueness + Congruence

Uniqueness:  Things that stands out about you.  This can include your personality, your mannerisms, your style, your worldview and the general way you carry yourself.

Congruence:  Are those things “who you are?”

Usually congruence lags behind uniqueness.

For example, if this guy…

…rolls into class one day rocking a tank top, bling bling and a bandanna and goes around saying “whad up dog,” he is probably not going to be congruent to it.  In other words, it is going to come across as weird because it is not who he is at that time.

Now, if he keeps with it long enough, it will become who he is.

The fact is, people can and do make dramatic changes to themselves.

If you think back to high school, you might have witnessed an average girl turn into an emo girl.  You might have seen a nerdy introvert become very outgoing and popular.  You might have seen a jock become a nerd.

Now, when somebody does something to make themselves stand out, they are usually not congruent to it.  Instead of being cool, that person goes through a period where he is “try hard” or “not himself” or “weird.” It takes a long time for old habits to go away, after all.

For example, if you are dry and boring, you will initially come across as weird if you start telling jokes.  Most of those jokes will probably bomb initially because you just aren’t that kind of guy yet.  You will feel enormous social pressure to return to the dry, boring conversationalist you were before.  After all, that boring identity is what you are still congruent to.

Most people are not willing to go through that period of rejection, so they don’t do anything to make themselves stand out more.

And since conformists are so common, they don’t stand out and therefore are not cool.

Now, even when a person becomes congruent to a more unique identity, their problems are not over.  The more you stand out, the more people with either love you OR hate you.

Your life will be filled with more groupies AND more haters.

The person you know with the most friends also has a lot of people bitching and moaning about them.

This is because if you do what most other people are doing, people will be indifferent towards you.  When you don’t do what other people are doing, then other people will actually have opinions about what you are doing.

Indifference, not hate, is the opposite of love.

Think about Nelly.  Nelly is undoubtedly a guy who stands out both professionally and personally.  He is pretty congruent to that to.

In fact, when he got a cut on his face and started wearing a bandaid, thousands of groupies across the country followed him and started rocking bandaids on their faces as well.

That said, a lot of people do not like Nelly’s antics.  They don’t like his attitude, his language, his style or his music.  To these haters, he is not cool.

Cool is in the eyes of the beholder.  The more you stand out, the more cool you will seem to some and the more uncool you will seem to others.

It’s a balance of sorts.  Depending on what you want in your life will depend on how you want to stand out.

It is possible to be cool and wear T-shirts and jeans.  It is possible to be cool and be full emo.  There are so many different ways to stand out it’s not even funny.

So let’s bring this around.  The key to being able to make friends without relying on superficial things like hot girls, booze and parties is to develop your individuality and allow yourself to stand out from others.  It is all about identity.

When you can go up to other people and give them a taste of this without needing anything in return, that is when you become powerful.  That is when you will have people begging to hang out with you.  That is when you become attractive to the opposite sex.  That is when you can walk into any social environment and immediately hook attention.

That is also when you will get people talking shit about you and trying to mess with you.

Thankfully, you will always have more groupies than haters so long as you give off good vibes.

Expect more to come on this topic.

Changing Yourself In College

June 1, 2009

A lot of incoming freshman come into college seeking to change their lives.  Usually, this means reinventing yourself as a person.

This is fantastic and should extend beyond college.

I can hear the chorus of naysayers.

“But you should just be yourself!”

“Don’t change who you are, that’s not keeping it real!”

“It can’t be done!”

This is all nonsense and comes from a fundamental misunderstanding of human beings: who we are is consistent, but what we do, how we look and the actions we take is not.

In other words, while it is true that parts of us cannot be changed, most of our behaviors and actions can.

This is because human beings are creatures of habit.  Well over 90% of the things that we do every day are predictable and do not change from day to day.

The way we socialize is habitual.  The way we do our work is habitual.  The way we walk is habitual.  The way we breathe is habitual.

We get our habits by acting in the same way over and over again, oftentimes for years.

Biologists and psychologists go a step further and claim that a lot of our habits are programmed, including our personality traits.  Read up on Myers-Briggs if you don’t believe me.

The good news is that while you might naturally programmed to be a certain way, you have the power to override that programming.

For example, if you are naturally a person who prefers solitude , you can become a person who prefers socializing.

If you are a person who feels the need to logically think about something before taking action, you can become a person who is more spontaneous and goes with the flow.

If you are someone who feels uncomfortable vibing with someone else, that can most definitely change.

Now, in my opinion, it is best to develop yourself on all levels.  For example, you should be perfectly comfortable both when you are by yourself reading a book AND in a crazy nightclub.  I think going overboard with one or the other makes you a pretty shallow person.

Anyway, making changes to yourself requires you to change your habits.  This is tough because your body and mind will resist furiously.

If you are a shy guy and you want to become more social, you will feel anxiety when you go and talk to people.  Why is this?  Because you are going against a habit of not being social that has been reinforced for years!

Luckily, you are a human being who is not a slave to her instincts.  You have willpower.  You can override that shit.

Unfortunately, willpower burns up quickly.

Willpower is like those big-ass rocket boosters

Willpower is like those big-ass rocket boosters

As anyone who has tried to go to the gym knows, it is much easier to go to the gym the first week when you are all excited than it is the second week when that enthusiasm wanes and rubbish thoughts start to appear…

“I’ll skip today.  One day won’t hurt right?”

“Oh, I didn’t eat my pre-workout meal, so I won’t be able to work very hard.”

“Oh, it’s raining outside.  Maybe I should just stay in.”

“It’s just not me.”

More often than not, those thoughts win out and you stay the exact same, non-fit person you were before.

Instead of relying entirely on your willpower to change a habit, it is usually better to use your willpower to create systems that force you to do the things needed to change the habit.  This article goes into this in more detail.

Using the workout example, you would leave yourself no other option than to show up to the gym.  Perhaps you have a training partner pick you up at a certain time everyday.  Perhaps you tell a friend to cash a $500 check if you skip a day.

Those rubbish thoughts suddenly have no power over you.

Fundamentally, this is why most college students fail to make positive changes to themselves: they allow themselves to be overwhelmed by their minds telling them not to do the things required to change themsleves.

I mean, 80% of the battle is usually just showing up.

If you want to improve your social skills, 80% of your success will come from just getting yourself to talk to people.

If you want to improve your grades, 80% of your success will come from opening your textbook.

If you want to get a boyfriend, 80% of the battle is showing up to places where there are guys swirling around.

It’s the old 80/20 rule in action.

Here is the take home lesson:

1.  Figure out what changes you want in your life.

2.  Figure out the person you need to become to have those changes happen.

3.  Force yourself to become that person by doing the work necessary to change your old habits.

Make yourself the person you know you can be.